My Healing Journey - Melting 20 Years of Depression - The Book That Changed Everything

Some links in the blog are affiliate links where if you click and buy through them, I earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. Thanks for supporting this blog.

Hey I'm Fletch & if you're new to this blog you can read more about me here. I have struggled with depression my whole life. It wasn't until I'd reached rock bottom (and I'd had a few of those), and found a book that changed everything for me. It taught me that I could re-wire my brain and there was another way. In this blog I share my story & the insights of that book that helped me melt away depression. In the hope that this story helps others struggling with depression.

I'm sat clearing through old books and diaries (as I de-clutter for our big move to Bali. This time we're back in the UK but just to empty and sell the house after 6 amazing months in Bali & South East Asia we want more of that life), as I clear I have to be ruthless about what I keep and what I leave. And today I stumbled across a book that's dear to me. My attachment to this specific item is from the heart because of what it did for me in my own struggle with depression.

I wrote a personal blog about my experience of living with depression - go check that out here. It sets the scene for my personal struggle with depression and how for the last 30 years I'd been living from my mind, struggling on and off with depression since being a kid. In fact I think I was born depressed. Then being diagnosed at 18 with endogenous depression and given anti-depressants for it. I almost died because of it during Uni, but that wasn't meant to be. And have touched with suicide just once or twice in the last 30 years. I did a video about losing my business and how this pushed me over the edge in my late 30's go watch if you'd like to know more about this last brush with suicide and how this became the pivotal changing point in my life of living with depression (even though I didn't know it at the time).

Depression had been a 'thing' in my life since being little. I knew what it was. Had experience of how devastating it could be. Which then allowed it to become a real 'thing' existing in my reality from a young age.

My uncle killed himself in his car when I was around 8, after deciding that he could no longer go on living with his secretive depression - that no one knew he had, but he wrote a note to say how sorry he was. Which caused so much anger within my already quite dysfunctional family. Although no one ever really talked about that afterwards either, they just harboured up the hate and swallowed it down.

My Mum had tried to end her life with an overdose when I was around 13, after living with depression that she didn't want to live with any more.

It was just me & her at the time (us against the world) and I felt like I'd failed her. I felt as though I wasn't worth loving and sticking around for. On some of the weeks beforehand, I'd been helping her with giving her a routine by getting her ready in the morning, opening her curtains, choosing her clothes for the day ahead to prompt her to get up and doing the food shopping, just kind of hoping that she'd snap out of it. Because if I didn't do these small activities, her day would be spent in bed, followed by drinking in the evening. Which really didn't help things for her. Does drink ever help anything? Doing these little things felt like I was helping. I got a job waitressing too to help out with money (my bus fayre's to/from school & dinner monies etc), we had bailiffs knocking at the door and so this was the best I could do to keep the plates spinning. Doing anything I could to help. I've always been that thinking person. The person that is constantly thinking and working out ways, strategies, plans and schemes of how to get out of a hole. This is my strength - I am comfortable with struggle - but this thinking brain, that was only ever trying to figure things out and help would be my downfall.

This reads like a self fulfilling prophecy reading this back, but I swore to not let the same happen to me. And fight I did.

I was the one who found my mum unconscious after her suicide attempt. I was the one that entered the house and instinctively knew that something was wrong in the stillness. I could already sense energy back then. I was the one that rushed upstairs, poked my fingers down her throat to make her be sick, turn her on her side and do the only thing that I could think of in the confusion and call 999. I remember feeling scared to make the call and wasn't sure if this was serious enough to warrant a call. I was the one that spoke to the operator and answered really grown up questions about stuff that I didn't know how to answer. And then went through the quite grown up process of going in the ambulance and of course the long drawn out aftermath of what happens when you're depressed and decide to kill yourself, but it didn't go to plan. There's an aftermath to these things as well as the shocking action in motion of the main event. And then the next day, with no sleep, I went to school and no-one knew what I'd been doing the night before. I felt a strong humiliation that my own Mum didn't want to stick around and was glad no-one knew. I couldn't have handled the sympathy. I was 13 - this was obviously only about me.

Then there was the in-between years my 20-30's: the self help books, many self help books, 5HTP, St Johns Wort, herbal medications because the pharmaceutical tablets never sat right with me and plus they only numbed the feelings anyway. I stopped taking anti-depressants age 22ish after learning about what they did to the brain. Finishing my Psychology degree to help me understand the brain, but leaving Uni with even more questions that answers. Constantly trying to be OK, to be happy and never let this thing get me like I'd seen it get people around me. Followed by a turning point in 2022, where in my late 30's, I decided that I could no longer carry on fighting this thing anymore and prayed to God / The Universe in Mexico - on my knees - and got some answers.

Fast forward to now, 2024 entering 2025 and I can truly really say that I no longer have depression and can confidently say that I never will again. I'm sure in the future I'll experience sadness, a blue day, hormones. But I can say that depression has gone and I know too much now for it to ever come back. For it to exist. This language is still quite new to me and I'm always re-touching and re-reading the books and methods that helped me to completely re-wire my brain. But I'm not scared that I will ever go back to that place, it's just really empowering to re-read, re-go over all the stuff that I awoke to back then that really changed everything. It's nice to be reminded of this stuff after many years of feeling out of control, in my head, stuck, trapped, worthless and hopeless. To think that I gave so much of my life to this 'thing'.

And I want to share here the things that helped me change everything. The one thing - A book. Of course I did the work, I turned up, read the book, was open to it's suggestions and practicing what I learned wasn't overnight. And there were also many things that helped, but this is the ONE THING. A book. Over the course of a few days of awakening to certain information that I am going to share here, like a remembering really, it wasn't completely new to me. I kind of had this knowledge in me like a de-ja-vu feeling.

Depression is so far away from me now, that I'm currently living my dream life in Bali, (hey, please subscribe to my YouTube channel btw as I'm trying to grow it)

Things didn't get to being just OK (although I'd have took that at the beginning, just to be ok and not even really that happy was a definite improvement) but so so so happy, literally living my dream life and I'm 6 months in to a complete dream (watch the video explaining it all above). And I've taken it all in my stride, the healing journey, getting rid of depression for good, the big life changing move to Bali. It's only now that I'm at my end of year reflecting that I see how far I came and that I actually know stuff that can help my fellow human who happens to stumble upon my small slice of internet.

I'm only now at a point where I feel that I can look back over the last 4 years or so and start picking through it, finally at a point where I can openly talk about it all, in the hope that I can help others that feel completely stuck or trapped within their own minds and prisons.

For a while I was just happy to be happy. Navigating this new chapter of my life. Oh to be happy, how novel (To wake up with joy. Colour. And love in my heart. As opposed to despair that I'd actually woke up at all). And I wanted that awful chapter of my life (well, my whole life really) completely behind me in the past where it belonged. Also I was still quite secretive about depression. I didn't want 'IT' tarnishing my new found life and self. I didn't want it creeping back into my dream life. Because depression had had a habit of doing that to me all my life. Creeping in, when everything was going so well and there was no need, nor reason to be depressed. Like a default setting where I'd had too much happiness (for me) and that I wasn't allowed to be 'too happy' or 'this happy' like a horribly comforting thing that I knew how to navigate.

Happiness wasn't what I'd been used to. When my back was against the wall, this was when I would function the best. Because I knew how to. I'd spent the last 30 years fighting something, knowing everything there was to know about it, my time of the month, when it was going to come back, what I'd do when it did, planning every step that would allow me to come out the other side, that it had almost become my friend. A toxic friend. That I allowed to control me, by letting it only give me limited amount of time in my life, where I'd diligently give my life back to it, because that's the way it was. And since I'm a tough cookie (I really am one of the strongest people I know) and had fought my whole life, that if I couldn't beat it then no-one could and I'd just be happy for the tiny bits of life that I could grab in-between. I'd been at the full mercy of 'this thing' and I wanted it fully behind me now I'd beat it. And this is mostly why I haven't spoke much about it. Up until now.

But I realise that in not talking openly about depression and my healing journey from having it, then this gives depression back it's control. And allows it to exist. Once you allow it to exist, then grant the brain and the ego this tiny bit of control. It would weedle it's way back. I realised that part of the left over healing process for me is to now bring the experience forward to the present whilst not being 'in it' and pick it apart to fully melt it away to existence. Something can't exist if you break it down to it's parts of absolute nothingness. It can never be. And my knowledge that it can never be because it never really was. I saw the melting of my depression as a miracle. I felt that I'd got lucky and didn't want to lose my lucky streak.

And so, when in Bali, living my dream life and healing from the energy of the land and nature. Bali forced me to look at this 'miracle' of how I did it. How had I just melted depression away. Something to see the miracle for what it truly was. And to realise that the miracle was actually me. The miracle is you. It always was.

I started my own YouTube channel here, that was intended to be about my Bali life, sharing videos about everyday living in Bali with kids, world schooling and capturing our journey. It still is going to be a little bit about that because it's an amazing journey that should be documented. I don't ever want to take it for granted and forget the small stuff. But where I think I now plan to share my own healing journey now that I have made peace with the many years that I lost. I feel strong enough and ready to share my miracle. P.S. this is not a miracle btw. You and I, we had it all along. We just forgot and now it's time to come back home to YOU.

The YouTube channel has actually been a very personal journey in itself. I started the channel in my 40's feeling slightly battered and bruised and thought I could talk about my new beautiful Bali life. Because Bali is so pretty, I'd have loads to make videos on. I was still at a very low confidence point after years of not really knowing who I was and living within the parameters of depression. Even though I healed myself from depression, I was left feeling as though I didn't really know who I was, what I stood for, or the things I liked. I'd spent many years in battle. When I came out of battle, like a wounded soldier, I was bruised, pretty traumatised and shell shocked as to what had just happened. It took 30 years to get rid of this thing (which felt like a lifetime), but as I look back I see it went with the blink of an eye (now that I'm out of it). It was all learning, the bad stuff in our lives is just that. A learning exercise happening for us and not to us. But did I really need to take that long to learn it all?

My teen years were wasted with unregulated hormones, chaos of imbalance, confusion of it all and the anger of why fucking me. I hardly went out partying, l constantly trying to regulate my internal chaos and not rock the boat by adding alcohol to the mix etc.

My 20's was spent in the trenches of vowing to never let happen to me what happened to my uncle, my mum and countless mothers along the way. It was grit and determination and pure stubbornness. I will work like a robot (I have it in me) rather than give in to this thing. And I did. I built businesses, had kids and fought the good fight, never truly finding happiness but actually having it all.

My 30's were spent being pounded by a force that was trying to make me stop. Stop being me and doing these habits, the same things, the habit of being me - I was just to blind to see it at the time. I was mulled, pounded and pummelled into submission until enough was enough and I broke. This was my rock bottom and I think to truly heal everyone has to get to that point to fully realise that they need to change. And that change was the only thing that I could do.

And I think my 40's are about growing into my own skin and helping others, finding my purpose.

2021 was transformational in 3 ways. It was the first time I'd done things that were different to anything I ever usually did. First I found myself on my knees at rock bottom where I prayed. I'm not religious and had never prayed before. But it felt as though I had nowhere else to go. Second, I started to look at energy and had my first reiki session. If my mind wasn't helping me, medicine wasn't the answer then could there be anything in this 'energy thing' that I'd been hearing about. Third I found a book - the whole point of this post to which I talk about the book further on).

2021 was also when I took what was going to be my last holiday with my kids and had planned to end my life, which proceeded those 2 new things. But in my final last ditch attempt, whilst in Mexico I had a little time to myself and looked at the sky, saw a shooting star and looked in awe at the vastness of the sky, felt me smallness and yet being part of something so bigness - and I prayed. I asked the Universe or God (whomever you're comfortable with asking). I got answer back and it involved Bali and that I needed to move to Bali. This was actually news to me as I'd never been to Bali for a holiday. But it caught my attention and the next few days we received a couple of signs from the Universe, that I shared with Si and the kids as to what had just happened. And we all had complete and utter confirmation and faith that Bali is what was next for us. I was so lucky that my tribe was on board with this. There was no other way it just was, even at this early stage. And I had a reason to live, to see why this was happening.

It was the time had my first reiki session - where I cried in it because something unexpected happened, where I was held so deeply by something that I can only describe as pure love and a voice told me that everything was going to be ok and that the answers were in me. I knew this was the truth and I can't tell you the relief that I felt (as well as unexplainable confusion about what had just happened).

And this was also the time that I started reading again.

The book that changed EVERYTHING for me with depression - The book that gave me permission to re-wire my brain and be OK. It allowed me to melt away depression. This is not a statement I write lightly. And I can't believe it took me all this time to find it. If I can pass this book onto a single person that is feeling like shit right now, and is sick of feeling like shit to the point where they will read something new, try a different way and be open to the possibilities that there is more in this world that we do not know that what we know, then I urge you to explore more. And if you do this I can die happy. I'm not even joking here. So what's the book? What's the book that cured 30 year long debilitating life with depression? What's it about and is it even possible to melt away a thing that you give so much 'bigness to' can these things just be melted away anyway? I think this is also true for anxiety, depression and mental health problem that we put a label on.

The book is Breaking the Habit of Being You, by Dr. Joe Dispenza . The book explores how deeply ingrained thought patterns and emotional states shape our identity and reality. He emphasizes the profound ability of the brain to change, or neuroplasticity, meaning we have the power to rewire our brain by changing our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.

Just knowing that I could effect the synapses in my brain and re-wire them to health was a real awakening for me. I'd learnt all about the brain in Uni (in-fact The Brain was my specialist quiz subject ;-)). I knew the phrase 'Neurons that wire together fire together' based on old neuroscience classes and experiments that proves this very thing. But the book gave me the permission to heal from depression. Permission to practice in real time the re-wiring and re-firing of my own neurons. And you can trick these neurons and synapses to do this. By just thinking differently. Even if your thoughts are constantly not so kind, happy or nice (like with depression) or those thoughts come from fear and control or lack of control (like with anxiety). And practicing working on your thoughts and getting good at thinking differently, until you start feeling the thoughts and until with a little practice and getting your mind in check, that the thinking becomes automatic. Because the synapses re-wired. It's no longer a thought effort thing. It's a real physical different brain that you're working with. Best of all you did it all yourself with thought alone. You can actually make changes to your physical brain.

I realised how powerful I was and it was like stepping into a new identity of myself that was allowed to not have depression, but by practicing the re-wiring techniques of the book, detailed below, meant that this new identity of me, was a girl that just didn't have depression, she couldn't, because the brain was wired different. When you know how powerful you truly are, you can literally become the master of your own health, your own life, you're happiness, because it's all in you. You become not at the mercy of some made up thing that has labels put on it, which in turn put labels (limitations on you). Just knowing this information for me meant that depression didn't and couldn't really exist. I was armed with thoughts that I could use to re-wire my poorly brain.

When you think a certain way, you start feeling a certain way. And this loops round so when you feel a certain way you start thinking this way too. And this is why depression can be a real downward spiral. But your strength is that you change the way you think (even if you don't feel it right now) in a day of two of practice you will start feeling those thoughts. And you have the power to then reverse the whirlpool loop and physically restructure the brain.

But Can Depression Be "Melted Away" Using Joe Dispenza's Teachings and Meditations?

In his book Breaking the Habit of Being You, Dr. Joe Dispenza explores how deeply ingrained thought patterns and emotional states shape our identity and reality. He emphasizes the profound ability of the brain to change, or neuroplasticity, meaning we have the power to rewire our brain by changing our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. While it's important to acknowledge that depression is a complex mental health condition that may require professional treatment, Dispenza’s teachings offer a powerful tool for transforming negative thought patterns and emotional states that contribute to depression.

Dispenza's approach is rooted in the idea that thoughts create emotions, and emotions create our physical state. By shifting our thoughts and emotions, we can begin to rewire our brain, break old habits, and create new neurological pathways that align with a state of well-being.

I wrote this post from my point of view and from the heart. Because I feel like my experiences can help others understand what they're going through. Or plant a seed of hope or better yet, open the flood gates to a full spiritual awakening which is a life of pure bliss, joy and happiness. Being truthfully honest I really hope this blog does that. But if not let's just have a tool at our disposal that has the potential to change everything, like it did for me. I fully recommend reading the book, to get the full depth of it's teachings (are we healing here or are we after a quick fix?), but here's some of my quick take home key points to give you an idea of what to expect from the book:

Here’s a list of actionable steps based on Joe Dispenza’s teachings to help someone melt away depression by rewiring their brain and shifting their energy and consciousness, by working on your thoughts:

1. Become Aware of Your Current Thought Patterns

Goal: Break the cycle of automatic, negative thinking.

Dispenza emphasizes the importance of self-awareness in recognizing the habitual thoughts that create depression. Negative thinking patterns often go unnoticed, but they have a profound impact on our emotional and physical state.

Action:

• Observe your thoughts without judgment. Pay attention to the recurring, self-limiting beliefs or negative thoughts about yourself, life, or the future.

• Track your thoughts throughout the day. Are they predominantly negative, fearful, or pessimistic?

• Notice your emotional responses to these thoughts. Depression is often rooted in unresolved emotions tied to past experiences.

  
  

  

  
  

2. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation to Create New Neural Pathways

Goal: Use meditation to break old patterns and create new, positive thought and emotional responses.

One of the core techniques in Dispenza’s approach is meditation. The goal of meditation isn’t just relaxation but to change the brain. Dispenza shows how meditation can help people access a new state of consciousness, free from the mental noise that fuels depression.

Action:

• Commit to a daily meditation practice using Dispenza’s guided meditations (found in his book and online).

• Focus on the present moment. Let go of past regrets or future anxieties, which often fuel depression. The idea is to enter a state of stillness where you can feel and experience your body, free from the conditioning of past thoughts and emotions.

• Create the feeling of joy and gratitude. Dispenza teaches that elevated emotions like gratitude, love, and joy can reprogram the brain and change your energy state. In your meditations, focus on invoking feelings of gratitude or imagining the best possible future.

  

  
  

3. Disrupt the Habitual Emotional State

Goal: Break the automatic emotional responses that reinforce depression.

Many people with depression get trapped in a cycle of negative emotions. Dispenza suggests that emotions are simply energy in motion, and by consciously changing how we feel, we can alter the brain’s chemical makeup and shift our emotional state.

Action:

• Identify the emotions that are tied to depression (such as sadness, hopelessness, anger, or guilt). Recognize that these are habitual emotional states, not permanent conditions.

• Consciously choose a new emotional state. Start by cultivating feelings of appreciation, joy, or excitement. Even if they feel forced at first, over time, the brain will begin to associate new emotions with different situations.

• Practice "changing your energy" through daily activities such as listening to uplifting music, exercising, or engaging in hobbies that make you feel good. These activities interrupt the negative emotional feedback loop.

  
  

  

  
  

4. Reprogram Your Subconscious Mind by Repetition

Goal: Use repetition to install new beliefs and habits that support a positive emotional state.

Dispenza explains that our subconscious mind is a repository for deeply held beliefs, and these beliefs shape our emotional responses. To break free from depression, it's essential to install new, empowering beliefs that support mental and emotional well-being.

Action:

• Repeat positive affirmations that counteract negative beliefs about yourself. For example, "I am worthy of happiness," "I am capable of creating positive change," or "I choose peace and joy."

• Create mental images of yourself as a healthy, happy person. Visualize a version of you living a life free from depression, where you feel light, confident, and full of life.

• Repetition is key—by consistently practicing these new thoughts and beliefs, you begin to rewire your brain and change the habitual patterns that lead to depression.

  
  

5. Practice Being in the "Quantum Field" of Possibilities

Goal: Access higher states of consciousness to facilitate healing and transformation.

Dispenza teaches that the quantum field is a realm of infinite potential, where everything exists in a state of possibility. By entering this state of mind, we open ourselves to new experiences and outcomes, free from the limitations of our past conditioning.

Action:

• Meditate on the idea of infinite potential. In your meditations, imagine that you are connected to a vast field of possibility, where anything is possible. Feel the freedom of releasing the past and the limited beliefs that have kept you stuck.

• Focus on the present moment and your connection to the universe. Dispenza’s meditation techniques help you move beyond the limited, ego-based self into a place of oneness with the greater whole, where healing and transformation can occur.

• Visualize yourself free from depression, thriving in a new reality. As you feel the emotions of that new reality, you begin to bring it into existence.

  
  

6. Recondition Your Body to a New Mindset

Goal: Release the body’s stored emotional trauma and break the physiological cycle of depression.

Depression is not only a mental state—it also manifests physically. The body “remembers” past emotional trauma through tension, pain, and fatigue. By training the body to release these negative states, we can break the cycle of depression and create a new, vibrant state of health.

Action:

• Use body-focused meditation techniques, as taught in Dispenza’s practices, to release tension and emotional energy stored in the body.

• Cultivate a relaxed, open posture. Notice how your body holds onto negative energy through physical tightness or discomfort. Practice deep breathing to release this stored tension.

• Engage in physical activities such as yoga, walking, or dance, to release pent-up emotions and encourage the flow of energy throughout the body. Movement helps to shake off the mental and emotional blocks that keep depression in place.

  
  

  

  
  

7. Embrace Gratitude and Elevated Emotions

Goal: Shift your energy to a state of joy and gratitude, which are powerful antidotes to depression.

According to Dispenza, emotions like gratitude, joy, and love carry a high frequency, which counteracts the lower frequencies associated with depression. By practicing these elevated emotions, we can transform our energy field and attract better outcomes.

Action:

• Daily gratitude practice: Write down three things you are grateful for every day. Even when feeling depressed, gratitude can shift your energy.

• Focus on positive memories and experiences that bring you joy. Feel the emotions of love, gratitude, and appreciation in your heart.

• Carry these emotions throughout your day, and practice them during your meditations to reprogram your emotional state.

Conclusion

While Joe Dispenza’s teachings offer valuable tools for personal transformation, it’s essential to recognize that overcoming depression is a complex and multi-dimensional process. His approach, rooted in the power of meditation, awareness, and emotional reconditioning, can play a significant role in shifting the neural pathways that contribute to depression. However, it’s important for individuals struggling with depression to also seek professional support when needed. By combining Dispenza’s techniques with appropriate care, it’s possible to begin rewiring the brain and shifting from a state of depression to one of empowerment, joy, and healing.

Remember: Transformation takes time, and the process of rewiring the brain is gradual. Stay patient, persistent, and compassionate with yourself. The power to change is always within reach.

And so I find myself back in the UK emptying my house to sell before we head back to Bali. Still depression free! As I de-clutter I'm finding old notes, old Uni dissertations and old books. And this book deserved a re-read because it changed everything for me. I'm currently re-reading Dr Joe Dispenza's Book Breaking The Habit of Being You.

I really owe a lot to finding Joe Dispenza's book and others that followed from there because it opened up my eyes to the true power of ourselves and our ability to self heal from things that were once too big for me to bear (and countless others that cotinue to struggle daily today). Only looking at ourselves through limited eyes, we will only ever allow ourselves to be ourselves with these limitations, illnesses, limited self beliefs and sub-conscious programmes. But we give this power to these things. If we become aware of who we are and what we're giving away, each time we notice ourselves doing this, we slowly stop giving ourselves away. Giving the power of who we are. Instead we take it back and mend. Because that power that was is in us to give is also in us to take back and heal to live a life that we deserve to be living.

2022/2023 was about healing, going within, listening, awakening to my true self.

2024 was about finding myself again, gently and slowly, no pressure, for I was just happy at being OK. This was unchartered waters. And waters that I were very happy to be in. As I settled with the novel feelings of being OK, dare I say it happy... It was time to re-build myself and fall back in love with me, who was she?

2024 was when we moved to Bali.

2025 is dedicated to putting my life in the hands of Source/God/The Universes plan. Raising my families vibration and helping connect this forgotten information to anybody that needs it. To spark that de ja vue knowing that you are more than what your thoughts say you are.

And if you stayed reading this long... wow... firstly thank you. But secondly I hope you got something from this page? That's the only reason I spend vast amounts of my time writing. If I can resonate with just one person. Help just one person. Inspire just one person. I'm really truly very happy. Let me know in the comments. Also, if you love content like this and have info to share and would like to be a guest writer on my blog, please connect.

Don't Forget to Follow us on Instagram:

And On YouTube here too:

And as always drop me a comment below if this page has helped you. I only write and share stuff on the blog that I think will help others on their own journey. So let me know. Did it help? Did you get something from it? And what do you want to know going forward? I am at your service, Fletchy McFletchface xx

Add my Blog to Your Bookmarks for more life enhancing stuff

---